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Taiyou_Kero
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Name: Kero
Birthday: 6/5/1988
Interests: Angels, Art, Beauty, Blood, Computers, Fantasy, Hugs, Music, Photography
Occupation: Musician, Student, Writer
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/24/2003
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| Homework is overwhelming,
my mouth hurts,
work is psychotic since snow started falling last week (now it's melting) and people are morons and the pavement now won't save them from not knowing how to drive
but my mommy's coming to visit her folks this week and I might get to spend some time with her.
She is what I have to look forward to right now.
Because other than that I need to replace my windshield,
get caught up in school shit,
make a cake that I promised to make last month,
calm the fuck down,
and start a new medication...the problem of which being that I have to go to the special pharmacy that my insurance allows and pay $75 for it when I don't know if it will cause me to break out in hives again or not.
Basically a ridiculous myriad of first world problems of cosmetic, psychological, and higher-education natures.
Dear life, I'm currently not ok with you. And I know I shouldn't complain because, comparatively, the externals of my world probably look unremarkable but inside I'm losing it.
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| I keep cycling through chat sites/programs hoping someone will be there, but there's no one.
Not sure what I should expect at 4a.m. but I just need a soul to talk to. And no, cleverbot doesn't suffice.
One class this quarter has me agitated, the other has ripped apart my paradigm of the school librarian.
You just want to be a school librarian? Well you can't, you have to be a "Teacher librarian" now if you want to have a job.
I don't mind showing kids how to use the library and the internet and whatnot, but the title of 'teacher' is one I have adamantly avoided for years for a reason.
I don't care if they eventually hire me somewhere where I'll have all the same duties of a 'teacher' librarian, I am dropping the first part of that title.
Upon trying to bare myself to the teachers about this deep conflict, they said "oh you should read this article thing" and left it at that. I feel really unresolved and frustrated and started crying during the class chat. Luckily it was online and when asked if I had a microphone to voice my concerns (at the beginning of the discussion), claimed my internet connection wasn't good enough to speak so they wouldn't have to hear me choking back frustration.
The version of career I wanted is antiquated and obsolete. What I want to do is apparently 2% of what the career supposedly now encompasses, and most of that 98% is not interesting or something I don't like. I just want to ask where what I want comes in, but they'll answer that the program's for the kids and not me and what the kids need is someone who will help their teachers teach them to tests and all the standardized shit. To me, that's just barely surviving. My original dream was getting children excited about reading, about sparking their imaginations, finding a new series they like and bringing it to life.
This class makes such things feel so unimportant...I don't even know what to think anymore.
The other night I made a sullen fool of myself and reinforced the fact that I'm a horribly sore loser.
*sigh*
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| "Loves come and go,
But this I know: I'm not who you recall anymore."
I'd like to say this with confidence. But who am I kidding?
Still loyal, impressionable, damaged, negative, imaginative, protective, musical, internalizing, sensitive...
and all the other crap I always have been.
I know I'm attracted to pain, but these classes aren't the kind I want. It's one thing where it hits you and ebbs away...it's another when it drills you for months and keeps you constantly frustrated, confused, and stressed with a massive headache.
Ugh. I never should have entered grad school.
Too late to fricking back out now.
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| Winter quarter starts this week.
But so does my mini vay-cay-tion! :D
...which means that I can start class without falling behind/flat on my face immediately.
I didn't get all my funsies reading done (NEIL GAIMAN LET ME READ YOU FASTERRR.) but there are still a couple days left.
Vacation is basically saving me right now, because some coworker hurt her fricking hand and it fucks with my work schedule directly for the next 3 weeks, based off her doctor's note. When I'm working 4-10's, that's stress enough. And being forced to extend or shift those hours really does not win that mained coworker cool points. I don't care if it's her fault or not. Loathing.
One of my profs this quarter has the last name of Coker and it makes me feel really weird.
And last night I had a dream with Clarice from Caprica and she was trying to drug me and so I tried to drive home but then there was a school zone and its lights were flashing so I knew I was supposed to go 20 but my car sped up to 40. Suddenly I was in front of the school and there were cops there and I slammed on my brakes to a full stop but I knew they'd already seen me and then there was a cop (possibly a sgt) in my window telling his buddies in the background that he was "taking this ho to jail."
But then he started driving me somewhere (where was my car??) and let me sit in the front seat and was implying he was going to let me off somewhere near my parents' house.
Nooooo cluuuuue.
Anywayziez. Now I'm just sitting around waiting to go to work the last day before my days off.
And since it's a holiday it will probably be full of DUI's...but fingers crossed I won't be working the crazy county since I did that last night. Come on peaceful counties.
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| Been having horrible dreams lately.
1)the "betrayal" dream...this time with Boy and my little Seestar.
2)Finding the bodies of two dead men in holes dug into a planter in the backyard and Boy and our D&D DM trying to find ID on them for the cops, and then finding out that the people who dumped them know we found them and are going to come for us too.
3)My parents suddenly announcing they're divorcing and me going through flashbacks of them being at places not together and it suddenly making sort-of sense.
And this is when I'm actually able to sleep, all within the past week.
So I'm screwed either way. I either wake up terrified and mistrustful of everyone and insecure, or I'm so dead at work I'm falling asleep from not sleeping.
Fuck this shit.
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